Cake and Shame
There's a German proverb: "Ist der Ruf erst ruiniert, lebt's sich völlig ungeniert." A direct translation would be "Once your reputation is ruined, you can live completely unashamed."
Traditionally, this describes someone who, having lost society's respect, abandons all social norms and acts with reckless self-interest.
Yet, here I'm going to propose it as an instruction to freedom and happiness.
The Freedom of Living Shamelessly
If you remove all the negative, "living shamelessly" means living free from the weight of judgment, both from yourself and others. This is a profound form of liberation. When you are no longer constrained by the opinions of others, you gain the autonomy to live on your own terms. It also is one of the main messages of the book The courage to be disliked (strong recommendation).
Held Back by Shame
Shame is, for me with my German upbringing, a social dynamic that creates obedience at the cost of individuality. It's the roadblock in your head that stops you from
Taking that last piece of cake
Asking for a raise
Approaching someone you're attracted to
And you can see how, rationally, you're missing out on quite the amount of pleasure because you're ashamed. And all this merely to avoid judgmental looks.
Personally, I'd choose the cake every time, even with the accompanying whispers of disapproval. Young me wouldn't have done that but old me learned that it’s a happy coincidence that those who would criticize are often too ashamed to do so loudly.
Now, please don't get me wrong: I certainly don't think that everyone should be shameless. To the contrary, my time in Brazil has shown me that shame is something lots of Germans struggle with, yet few Brazilians seem to.
I would guess that, generally, Latino cultures have a much easier time with bold flirting or bending the rules. Still, even there you have elements of shame, usually related to religious morals.
The OFF Button
So, how do you get rid of your shame in those situations? By learning to deal with the judgmental comments and looks of others. This immediately removes the negative consequence and makes the "shameless" act an winning move: you either win or you don't lose:
- Admit that you're ashamed.
Admit it out loud. Say, "I'm too ashamed to ask for that" or "I feel awkward taking the last piece" Voicing your shame does two things: it helps others understand you, and it frames you as someone in touch with their emotions, which is a sign of strength, not weakness. There is no shame in being ashamed.
- Polarize by Breaking the Rules
Break minor, inconsequential rules. Don't just do it for the purpose of breaking them, do it because you think it's an unnecessary rule. Bonus points if you find the rule ridiculous.
This is a great filtering mechanism because it polarizes people: People who are rule-bound and judgmental will distance themselves, while those who are more open-minded and value authenticity will be drawn to you. They'll think, "He's got courage," or "I wish I could do that." You naturally attract a more supportive social circle. (The concept of polarization is explained in Models by Mark Manson)
It also makes it easier for others to talk to you when socializing because they know you won't judge them.
- Accept the Judgment
When someone challenges you - "Don't you think that's a bit shameless?" - agree with them. Your answer: "You're probably right."
This technique, called "Fogging" (from the book When I Say No, I Feel Guilty), disarms manipulative criticism. If they follow up with, "Then why did you do it?" simply state, "Because I wanted to."
There is no inherent moral failing in taking the last piece of cake; the guilt is a construct. Accept the judgment and enjoy your dessert.
- That Smirk
As you become more comfortable, you'll start to find people's predictable reactions amusing. A knowing smirk will often appear on your face in anticipation. This reaction can be surprisingly powerful — it signals that your action is intentional and that their criticism is not only expected but ineffective. For a moment, you become the center of attention, and the focus quickly shifts from your "shameless" act to the reactions of those who are most upset. Congratulation, you just flipped the script; you're the fun one and they are the killjoys.
Exercises
Awareness: For one day, actively notice every time you want to do something but hold back out of shame. It could be speaking up, taking something, or expressing a desire.
The Announced Act (with familiar people): In a safe environment (like with colleagues or friends), declare your intention: "Normally, I'd be too ashamed to take the last cookie, but today I'm going for it." This pre-emptive honesty often garners support. Observe their reactions. Use this sparingly to maintain its authenticity.
The Announced Act (alternative version): Say "As always, everyone is too ashamed to take the last cookie. You have five minutes, then I'm going to eat it if it's still there" This makes others aware of the absurdity of the situation and gives them the chance to be the shameless person, themselves. If they do it, they are usually cool people, so bond with them. Ask them how they felt and if they don't feel ashamed ;-)
The Silent Act (with new people): Do something small and "shameless" in a semi-social setting where you'll see people again, like a networking event. Attention: You'll have to stay there for another 30 minutes because the goal isn't a "hit-and-run" but to practice enduring the judgment. You'll often find that people will approach you afterwards to commend your courage.
Integrate the Practice: Repeat these steps until they feel natural. If you find yourself struggling when called out, study the "Fogging" technique in more depth. The goal is to make this fearless self-advocacy a part of who you are.