Love Is Not a Noun

The phrase means that love is not a fixed thing - it's a process.

This is especially true during disagreements with your partner. In these moments, you must be willing to:

• Incentivize change in your partner when it's important to you. This requires investing energy, goodwill, and patience into your shared growth.

• Accept their quirks when the issue isn't important.

But this only addresses your requests. There will also be theirs:

• You must be open to their valid invitations for you to change. (Unless you're already perfect, of course.)

• You must also be able to respectfully resist their requests when you believe they are wrong.

Here is a summary of these dynamics:

1. REQUEST CHANGE in your partner
2. ACCEPT NO CHANGE in your partner
3. ACCEPT CHANGE in yourself
4. REJECT CHANGE in yourself

How often did you do any of the four in the last six months?

The Stoic Challenge

If that weren't hard enough, you also need the wisdom to know which action is appropriate. You must be able to admit when you're wrong and have the fortitude to hold your ground when you believe you're right.

The same goes for your partner. You won't respect a people-pleaser who submits to your every whim (which negates points 1 and 4). Nor will you tolerate a partner who constantly nags and complains (negating points 2 and 3). You need a balance of both.

In a successful relationship, both partners are in a constant dance of evolving, pushing, resisting, and adjusting. It's a dynamic process, not a static state.

By now, you might think this seems really hard. And you're right - it is.

It's Not A Fairy Tale

Thinking of "love as a verb" means accepting that Disney's version of love is a fantasy.

The "happily ever after" is a lie we tell children and often choose to believe ourselves. The truth is far from it.

It's like thinking your second-grade math exam is the last one you'll ever take. It isn't. And we should be glad, because these challenges will increase and make us grow - in society, relationships, and maths.

So no, love isn't an ending and there is no "happily ever after" - it's a beginning. It's the start of a journey to become the people our families and society need, and to develop the wisdom we so admire in others.

Exercises

1. How many times have you said, "You're right," in the last 6-12 months? Make an effort to say it once a day. It doesn't have to be to your partner; practice anywhere to build the habit.

2. For each of the four points in the summary, find an example from your own life in the last 6-12 months.

3. Ask your partner to complete the previous exercise, and then compare your examples.

4. Practice calmly saying these four phrases, each corresponding to a point in the summary:

   • "I would like you to do (or stop doing) X because it makes me feel..."

   • "You're right, that was too much for me to ask."

   • "You have a point. I will think about it and try to adjust."

   • "I'm not convinced, but I will think about it and see if there's another way."